Eulogy for Jasmine Hiemstra by Pandita
Posted by Juliana | Filed under Children of God, Eulogies, The Family International
For Jasmine Hiemstra by her sister Pandita.
After all these years, i still feel for Jasmine.
She was after all my sister – Losing a loved one hurts, everything about it, especially the fact that i can’t hear her voice any longer.But i need to address another part of it. I mentioned the ways I opened up and felt things for the first time, how i had to face myself and my past.
Now i need to address the way it affected my living – on a day to day basis.
Losing my sister to suicide felt as if my life was over.
(I lost my mind, I lost my way)In a way, a chapter of my life was over, that was the chapter that Jasmine was a part of.
I already was at the point of wanting to die, but my life without her entirely lost its meaning. I no longer enjoyed the simple things, all those things i enjoyed with her, like sitting outside on the squares of Amsterdam, playing pool or having a drink, going to parties. None of it was fun anymore
because she was not there.I felt so bad inside that she wasn’t there anymore. I felt responisble, now I see that clearly.
It was as if i had killed her and i wished so many times that i would have killed myself that night instead of her.
Why was i so weak, why did i want to prospone my own suicide that night? Why am i still living, when she is dead?Everyday that has passed by since April 13, 2002 there has been a mixed feeling of relief and regret.
I am not happy i outlived her.I regret her life, and my own life; the way we were forced to pretend in the cult and could never enjoy ourselves. We didn’t know how to relax as children,
and as we emerged into adulthood and while the pressures were building we still couldn’t relax.
There was too much to catch up on, so much was missed out on, and there was never enough time to be whole, or even to come close to being normal.Just how messed up she was on the inside is something i will never know.
She kept her disturbances quiet, and even though it became harder to hide them after her boyfriend died, she never went to anyone with her worries.
She died with them close to her, never finding a way to free herself from her own regret.Did she die feel ashamed and alone, always being aloof and alienated? Or did she see the truth of her misery, that she had been protecting it for no reason.
So what if the world didn’t accept her ?
The pain of suicide is in the act itself, its a lonely death and it invites no one to share in its intimate misery.
It is a single exit for one to pass through, straight line down and then no more.
I felt invited to partake in it and if i would have killed myself that night we would have both been found dead the next day and she would have not known my pain.
Instead her sister was the one who found her dead in the morning because neither of us was prepared to feel what was pushing us down and robbing us of our very existance.
She died with the abuse she suffered, i must live with it and a broken heart.
It was her choice to end it and cut her life short – i did not make that choice for her. Why is it so hard for me to see that?
Taking responsibility for my own life has been hard enough, without taking on responsibility for hers too.
As i’ve heard so many times before, its important to focus on the now and stop looking back.
I am attempting to close a painful chapter, the chapter of loss, the chapter of abuse, and the chapter of self harm.
Have i finished writing these pages? will the self abuse end? will i stop feeling sorry?
One way to end this chapter for good is suicide – its a way out. But it only perpetuates the cycle of pain.
Another way is to start yet another chapter and accept that although the tragic book may be written, the ending is not certain.
Thinking positive and feeling positive energy makes it easier – maybe i deserve an enjoyable ending?
This was written for my sister (RIP April 13, 2002)
-Pandita